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Talk to Me Like I'm Someone You Love, revised edition: Relationship Repair in a Flash, by Nancy Dreyfus
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"The most crucial relationship advice book since Men Are from Mars." —Erin Meanley, Glamour.com
Talk to Me Like I'm Someone You Love is a brilliant interactive relationship tool that can help couples stop arguing and begin healing. Couples therapist Nancy Dreyfus hit upon this revolutionary practice during a particularly angry couples-therapy session in which a wife's unrelenting criticism of her husband was making him more and more emotionally withdrawn. Suddenly, Dreyfus found herself scribbling on a scrap of paper, "Talk to me like I'm someone you love," and gesturing to the husband that he should hold it up. He did, and within seconds, the familiar power differential between the two shifted, and a gentler, more genuine connection emerged.
This revised edition features two new sections—one on making love and another on deepening trust—containing over 25 new "flash cards for real life," written statements that hold the power to express what we wish we could say to the person we love but for which we can't find either the right words or the right tone in which to say them. Each of the statements in this book is accompanied by "field notes" from the author that explain when, why, and how to use the statement, as well as real-life stories from the author's practice.
- Sales Rank: #57633 in Books
- Published on: 2013-01-03
- Released on: 2013-01-03
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 7.00" h x .80" w x 7.00" l, 1.40 pounds
- Binding: Paperback
- 384 pages
Review
"Just about any couple using this material could humanize their relationship."
—Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., author of Getting the Love You Want
"Nancy Dreyfus and her flash cards were an inspiration behind our research into the important process of attempting to change the affect during marital-conflict resolution."
—John Gottman, Ph.D., author of The Relationship Cure
"The most crucial relationship advice book since Men Are from Mars."
—Erin Meanley, Glamour.com
"Veteran psychotherapist Nancy Dreyfus has written an insightful guide that highlights the power of written messages to diffuse tension and put an end to conflict"
—Tucson Citizen
About the Author
Nancy Dreyfus, Psy.D., is a psychotherapist and couples therapist with more than two decades of experience. She holds a doctorate degree from Hahnemann University Medical School.
Most helpful customer reviews
10 of 10 people found the following review helpful.
Goldmine of a book
By Barbara Hastings
As a therapist who is always reading (and recommending) self-help books, I'd say that this may be one of the best relationship books I have ever come across. For both men and women struggling with communication, it is a real goldmine--packed full of wisdom nuggets related to situations anyone could identify with: feeling criticized, unseen, unreal, invaded, walking on eggshells and trapped in a painful fight. Who wouldn't want this kind of help in the midst of challenging misunderstandings?
The author has been able to strike just the right chord of directness, honesty and compassion for our relationship predicaments on almost every level. Her insight clearly comes from someone who has seen and heard it all, and obviously has been there herself. If Oprah still had her 'favorite things' segment, this book would be at the head of her list, because it is giving people a practical, spiritual and usable solution to everyday human misery. Highly recommended!
5 of 5 people found the following review helpful.
Down to Earth, Real Life Advice
By saraelizabeth
Not only will this book give you clear, concise advice on how interact with those who are important to you, it will heighten your sense of self so that you can act according to your gut as opposed to outside pressures. Talk to Me Like I'm Someone You Love will help you navigate relationships and in doing so, will teach you how to navigate yourself. Each flashcard has a statement that holds vulnerable integrity for the giver and loving valuable information for the receiver.
These isolated statements show readers how tone of voice and body language can sometimes speak louder than words. These flashcards, stripped of defensive energy, demonstrate something very human and natural about our need to be understood and loved during conflict. This book will affect every part of your life because it teaches you how to respect yourself and your needs while providing others with enough space to do the same.
4 of 4 people found the following review helpful.
A great resource for couples
By D. L.
Who hasn't ever, in a tense moment with one's partner or spouse, struggled to find the right words to say? Who hasn't experienced that familiar downward spiral where in the moment, it seems impossible that things could ever feel sane again?
This book consists of 127 "flash cards for real life" which can be used to redirect the course of an unpleasant exchange to something friendlier. Often when we are feeling invalidated or unheard by our partner it can be a struggle to communicate in a way that doesn't make things worse--or at least cause both persons to dig in their heels. The author has two main premises in this book. First, the mere act of offering a written message, without the voice tones and inflections that naturally accompany upset, can signal to the recipient that despite the conflict at hand the sender is actually wanting to make a connection--to move toward, rather than away--and that in itself can change the energy of the entire interaction. Second, when we are more connected to our own insides, we can relate to the person across from us in a healthier way.
The cards are divided into eleven sections. An example from the first section, Shifting Gears: "I am upset. That doesn't mean that you are a bad person... It means that if you could just listen, I would feel incredibly loved." And another, from the section Setting Limits: "When you go on and on like that, I feel invisible to you." Each card is accompanied by "field notes" in which the author discusses in what types of situations one might use the card and explains what the impact might be on both the sender and the receiver. She uses anecdotes from her extensive experience as a couples therapist (and even occasionally from her own life) to illustrate the points involved. Even if one doesn't use the cards the field notes themselves are quite thought-provoking. Just about everyone will see a bit of themselves and/or their relationship in the many vignettes presented.
There were some complaints about the durability of the previous (spiral-bound) edition of the book. This new version comes with much sturdier binding and also has 26 new flash cards under two new sections, "Making Love" and "Deepening Trust."
This book would be useful to anyone wanting insight into how to have a more conscious relationship. Highly recommended.
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